Daddy's Little Money Pit
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer is just starting to figure out how much money it will cost to raise AJ.


**I think Archer gave AJ the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some mad little thoughts through my mad little mind.**

 **Daddy's Little Money Pit**

"Here comes Bumbo the Elephant! PRRRTTTTTT!" Archer made elephant sounds as he played with AJ. There were several various stuffed dolls. Currently Archer was playing with a stuffed elephant on the floor of Lana's apartment. AJ squealed and clapped with delight.

"Don't you mean Dumbo?" Lana asked as she watched from the couch.

"This is Bumbo," Archer pointed out. "From Princess Pinkarella And The Lion Queen. He's one of Princess Lionheart's animal friends. Remember from that DVD series you got for AJ."

"You watched one of those movies?" Lana was stunned.

"I watched **all** the movies," Archer corrected. "All seven of them. Binge watched them for a weekend. Actually they were better than I thought they'd be. The later ones really make you think. And this particular movie was pretty good. I mean I thought it was going to be a rip off of the Lion King which is basically a rip off of Hamlet. But it turns out it wasn't. More like a rip off of the Tempest. AKA Forbidden Planet…"

"Archer…"

"God Shakespeare has basically become cannon fodder for writers," Archer waved.

"Archer," Lana sighed.

"But who can blame them?" Archer shrugged. "If you ignore all that flowery language most of Shakespeare's stuff is pretty good. Except for Titus Andronicus which sucks."

"Archer…"

"But if you think about it, Titus Andronicus is basically the ancestor of a lot of horror movies," Archer went on. "So even if the play is pretty much sh…"

"ARCHER!" Lana interrupted.

"What?" Archer gave her a look.

"Try not to swear so much around AJ," Lana sighed. "She does pick stuff up you know?"

"Fine," Archer groaned. "But once she gets to high school all bets are off."

"Archer," Lana said.

"Seriously Lana," Archer said. "If you think kids don't swear in high school you're fooling yourself. You know what goes on in those bathrooms and locker rooms. And it's not always the kids that swear. I've had a few teachers that threw down F-Bombs like grenades."

" **That** I can believe," Lana gave him a look. "But we have to talk."

"What the hell did I do now?" Archer groaned.

"Archer…"

"Sorry," Archer apologized. "What the **heck** did I do now?"

"It's not you necessarily," Lana said. "You know we both agreed to equally fund AJ's upbringing."

"I remember Lana," Archer gave her a look. "It was my idea after I came back from my sabbatical after AJ was born."

"You mean after your ran away literally screaming into the night," Lana corrected. "And disappeared on a self-destructive drunken binge for six weeks because you couldn't handle reality and the responsibility."

"Potato, Po-sabbatical-o," Archer said sarcastically. "Anyway during that long and excruciating talk we had when I came back I said I'd help pay for AJ equally. So what?"

"Archer I don't know if you've noticed," Lana gave him a look. "But we're not exactly pulling down the same salaries we made when we were spies."

"No, sh…uh," Archer grumbled. "Sugar. No sugar. Damn it. This is hard."

"And so is raising a child on what we make," Lana groaned. "We need to cut some corners and make some sacrifices. Especially if we want to keep our babysitter."

"I have already made a lot of sacrifices!" Archer protested. "I no longer use prostitutes and cut out cigars! And that's like at least thirty to forty percent of my budget!"

"And I thank you for your sacrifice," Lana said sarcastically. "But we need to cut our budget even more. I can't afford a stay at home nanny anymore. I can barely afford day care."

"You think that's bad? I can barely afford my personal tailor and cordwainer!" Archer protested.

"Okay right there is something we need to cut," Lana pointed out.

"What? Lana what am I supposed to wear?" Archer protested. "Where do I get my shoes and suits and…"

"From a store. Like ninety-nine percent of the world!" Lana snapped. "It's not that bad. They have some nice things at department stores and some good deals. Macy's sends out coupons and has sales all the time…"

"Macys? I'm supposed to get my clothes at Macy's?" Archer gasped. "The next thing you'll be telling me is that I'll have to buy my underwear there too!"

"Where do you get your underwear now?" Lana asked.

"Uh hello? That's part of the service from my tailor!" Archer barked. "Actually it's his apprentice's' job. But that's like a couple thousand a year so…"

"So from now on you're getting your underwear at Macy's. Or Wal-Mart…" Lana groaned.

"They sell underwear at Wal-Mart?" Archer did a double take. "Hold on! This makes no sense! Why would I need to give up more of my stuff?"

"Uh here's a reason right here," Lana showed him AJ. "You know? Your daughter?"

"Well yeah but how much…?" Archer asked.

"She needs little things. Food. Clothes. Diapers," Lana went on.

"Yeah but only for a couple of years. The diapers I mean. Actually if we can toilet train her early…" Archer began.

"She's too young for potty training!" Lana barked.

"No she's not. Mother trained me early," Archer protested.

"And how long was it until you stopped wetting the bed?" Lana asked. "Twenty five?"

Archer paused. "Thirty actually…Okay I see your point."

"And I'm going to have to buy her some new clothes," Lana groaned. "She's already outgrowing them."

"But you just bought those!" Archer protested.

"Yeah funny thing about kids. They **grow!** " Lana snapped. "Plus she's also going to need her vaccinations. Doctor's visits. Dentist's visits. Day care. Toys. Food. A bed when she's outgrown her crib. And sheet, pillows, blankets. School supplies…Oh God I haven't even thought about college yet!"

"Well maybe she could get a scholarship?" Archer asked.

"I don't think anyone in their right mind would give any kind of scholarship to a member of **this** family!" Lana snapped. "Unless Glengoolie Blue decides it needs a sponsor."

"Yeah but come on Lana! I mean public school is free so…" Archer shrugged.

"But school supplies aren't," Lana showed him a paper. "I've figured it out. This is roughly the yearly amount we need to raise AJ."

"Lana I've spent less than that on prostitutes for a week in Vegas!" Archer gasped. "And I mean good hookers! More than one! A harem of hookers!"

"And this is a rough estimate on how much it will be to send AJ to college," Lana showed him another figure.

"Well she doesn't have to go to Harvard…" Archer gulped as he looked at the figure.

"That's for community college," Lana gave him a look. " **This** is for regular college!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Archer screamed in terror.

"Now do you get it?" Lana asked.

"Yeah I get it! We're screwed!" Archer groaned as he took AJ. "Who's a little money pit? You're a little money pit!"

"Look I'm sure if we cut some corners and take care of our clothes and stuff we can handle it," Lana sighed as AJ squealed with delight.

Just then AJ spit up on Archer's shirt. "Which might be harder than I thought," Lana admitted.

"We're doomed aren't we?" Archer sighed.

"Yuuuup," Lana admitted.

"Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!" AJ giggled.

"Wow, she does pick stuff up," Archer groaned.


End file.
